I’m How Old?

I’m thinking a lot about age and aging these days. I turned 75 this year, astonished to be that old. More, I am noticing that other people see me as old. Maybe they’re looking at my head of white hair? I’m routinely offered a seat on the tube. Clerks increasingly call me ma’am. I sometimes can’t quite reach that name that’s hiding just beyond my reach. My hips creak when I stand up.

So, I’m facing that I’m old. I’m also realizing that I’m new in an astonishing number of ways – new to aging and what that means, new to having time, new to being friends with old people my age, new to a job-free life, new to living with limitations (that I have to acknowledge) and without a set schedule. I’m new to asking for help. At the same time, I’m also new to a new kind of confidence – to be more fully myself. I’m more willing to pause, even take a nap. I am learning to apologize both more fully and less often, to judge less and forgive more.

I’m finding wisdom along the way from other people. Rabbi Abraham Heschel writes that these years offer ‘the opportunity to unlearn the follies of a lifetime’. Franciscan theologian Richard Rohr sees it as a time to increase our capacity for community and compassion. And, my favorite and the one that offers me the most richness, comes from novelist Niall Williams (The Time of the Child): ‘The purpose of ageing [is] to grow into your soul, the one you’ve been carrying all along.’

So, that’s a lot of new things to learn and to practice. To understand. This is the spiritual work of old age.

I’m feeling energized and, indeed, enriched. I like it, I think.

Annette Atkins